When your biggest annual celebration is again your birthday, and not the day you were diagnosed.ġ0. Your doctor tells you to lose weight and do something about your cholesterol and you actually listen.ĩ. You have a chance to buy additional life insurance but you buy a new convertible car instead.Ĩ. When you use your toothbrush to brush your teeth and not comb your hair.ħ. When your dental floss runs out and you buy 1000 yards.Ħ. When you no longer have an urge to choke the person who says, "all you need to beat cancer is the right attitude."ĥ. You're back in the family rotation to take out the garbage.Ĥ. Your mother-in-law invites you to lunch and you just say NO.ģ. Top Ten Ways To Know You Are A Cancer Thriverġ Your alarm clock goes off at 6 a.m. The man asks, "Will this cure my cancer?" "No," said the doctor, "but the six months will seem much longer!" The doctor recommends that he marry an accountant and move to the back woods. There really is a baseball team in heaven." "Thank God", sighs Jack, "Now I can die in peace." "I'm glad you feel that way," says Paul, "because you're pitching tomorrow!Ī man hears from his doctor that he has cancer and only has six months to live. If you die first, you can do the same for me." A year later, Paul is dead and Jack is sitting on the park bench when he hears: "Jack, it's me, Paul. "Tell you what", says Paul, "If I die first, I'll give you a message about whether there is baseball in Heaven. Paul says, "I hope they have a baseball team in heaven." "Me too", says Jack. Two old baseball buddies with lung cancer were chatting on a park bench. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.ġ1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.ĩ. Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.Ĩ. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.Ħ. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.Ĥ. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.ģ. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.Ģ. “Xanax is white, Zofran is blue, steroids make me feel like throttling you.”ġ. “All your phone messages about how not knowing exactly what’s going on with me has stressed you out really helped me put things in perspective.” “Thoughts and prayers are great, but Ativan and pot are better.” It worked even better than my stool softeners.” They imagine starting a business called Damaged Goods, which would sell a line of morbid thank-you cards: Stolen directly from Nina Riggs’s memoir “The Bright Hour,” where she tells of commiserating with a friend who is also dealing with triple negative breast cancer. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' On the way down in the elevator the student nurse asked him if his wife was meeting him. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the student wheel him to the elevator. He insisted that he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital. A student nurse walked into a hospital room to find an elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. If you have anything humorous, jokes, stories or even thoughts about cancer or living with cancer please send them to us at so we can share them with the rest of our cancer community.
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